“Life Sucks, then you die.” I am not sure when I started saying that, but it was my motto growing up. Red hair and freckles, duct tape or hot glue on my shoes, and an outfit made by my mom was my selfie. My dad was a hardworking man. Sometimes having two jobs, we always had what we needed. My mom stayed home with us 4 children and ran a daycare out of our house. I had two older brother who were 9 and 10 when I was born and wanted a brother. They asked my mom to take me back to the hospital and get a brother. Growing up in Fountain Valley California, just outside of Huntington Beach, allowed me to have the beach be my second home. Being in the water and the sun, nothing was better. I loved sports and excelled at any sport I tried. Soccer gave me purpose. I played goalie and I was good. It made my family proud and they would tell everyone they knew. Four years after I was born came my surprise sister. She became the baby and my moms attention went to her. We moved up to Washington State in 6th grade and it was a tough change. No more sun and the beaches were cold. I said goodbye to my best and only friend, my redhead and freckled twin.

Middle school is tough for any kid and it was no different for me. I tried to fit in, but again I could only find purpose and acceptance in playing soccer. So I played. I joined not only the school team, but also a select team. Playing soccer, goalie, I got to lead the team. I felt so much pride being part of the team and making a difference, but when that practice or game was over I had that feeling come back. Hopelessness, Life sucks and then you die. I searched thinking I could be happy if I had the right guy, was the best soccer player, if I had money, if…….I would be happy. But that didn’t come then and not for many years to come.

I got the guy, had the kids, the job, the house, money, but still was never enough to make me permanently happy. Then the downward spiral started. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and so my mom and dad moved into our 3 bedroom 1950 sq foot rambler. It worked for a while but got small and we decided to find a bigger place and we did. It was perfect, a view of Puget Sound, a 2 bedroom mother in law downstairs for my parents. We signed papers while my husband was on a mission trip to Mexico. It was perfect until he got back to work and was informed he was being let go from a 14 year career at a car dealership. Then COVID hit and it was great for our family at first like many. I was laid off also, but we were able to manage. We got a puppy like many people did. She lead to many family fights because she was a struggle to train. I tore ligaments in my ankle and ended up with Surgery and 8 months of total recovery. This was the beginning of my darkest days. I was helpless and pushed my family away. My kids were now 11 and 15, dealing with being stuck at home because of COVID, a mom who thought they would be better off without me, and their father starting a new career. So they do what kids do. My 11 year old was just angry all the time and acted like she hated me and my “perfect” 15 year old started making big mistakes that could have lifelong consequences and she didn’t care. It took me to my bottom and I remember walking across the street on walks I would take and hope a car would be coming to fast and it would all be over.

One day my husband said words that started me down the road I am on today. He said “I will not work on our relationship until you get help and start working on yourself.” All I could think was how could he say that to me. He wasn’t so perfect and most of our issues I felt were because of him. So how could he tell me that I needed to work on myself. But he was right. I had spent the last 20 years focused on my job I didn’t enjoy (pre covid I ran 3 substance abuse outpatient treatment centers and worked mostly with patients from the department of corrections), trying to take care of my husband, two kids, and my home. Making them happy made me happy right. As long as everyone else was happy I felt happy, but when anyone struggled I struggled. I know longer knew what I liked or disliked. I didn’t have close friends, and had no hobbies. I never made decisions about what I wanted to do and always went along with what others wanted. Okay I will get some help. I wasn’t sure what this looked like and it took me some time to get going. I go to a very active church that has small groups for just about anything a person could think of. I golfed before kids but never had time to pick it back up. I joined a ladies golf group. Started seeing a counselor again and picked up paddle boarding. If you know anything about the Seattle area is that you can’t surf, but there is countless bodies of water to paddle board on. Things were still not great at home, but I started understanding that my happiness is a choice. I never understood the term “Money doesn’t buy happiness” until now. I will say it makes it easier, but I have to choose happiness everyday if I truly want to be happy.